Starting a conversation

I want to start by saying therapy / medication does not mean there is something wrong with you. It doesn’t mean you’re weird. It doesn’t mean you need to be fixed. It just means that you need a hand to get back to feeling like your full self again and that’s okay.

I am not a mental health professional, I’m writing this from my own experience as I think it’s important to talk about and wish I had seen something like this when I first started to struggle with my mental health. We are in the middle of a mental health crisis and many of us are struggling in silence so I want to start a conversation. 

I had my first panic attack in December 2019. I didn’t know what it was and I thought I was going to die. I couldn’t breathe or see. I later learned it was a panic attack through friends who had experienced the same thing. I had never before battled with my mental health but after the first panic attack it seemed like my life was full of them and I was always dreading when the next one would come. Going to the supermarket or getting on the tube. I couldn’t even think about doing the smallest of tasks without panic coming over me. I didn’t know what was wrong with me, I felt weird, weak and helpless. I am usually a very positive, motivated and enthusiastic person but in this moment I felt I couldn’t do anything. Anxiety filled my life and every morning my chest felt heavy with guilt that I couldn’t just do the normal things that everyone else could. This went on for months, with lockdown making the anxiety unbearable. I finally found the strength to call the doctor who said that nine out of ten of her calls were for the same thing. Nine out of ten. I instantly felt relieved that I wasn’t alone. Maybe I wasn’t weird. Maybe there wasn’t something wrong with me. 

The process of finding a therapist was long, stressful and tiring but please read on as you’ll see it doesn’t have to be. Therapy with NHS is free and we are incredibly lucky to have it available to us but there is a waiting list. I felt I needed help sooner than they could offer so I started looking privately. Therapy can be expensive and this made me even more anxious. I tried one free session with a therapist who was charging £80 an hour and felt I gained nothing from it. Would I ever find someone who could help me? 

Then my friend sent me a list of low cost therapies and counselling organisations that I will list below. I had previously struggled to find any low cost ones online but this list had some good options and I began to find lots of charities and organisations purposely set up to help people like myself. I got in touch with Headstrong Counselling which is based in London. Finding the right therapist is personal and you might not click with the first person you find and that’s okay. You will find someone eventually, be patient and stick with it if you can. 

I was diagnosed (I hate labels) with ‘Generalised Anxiety Disorder’ & ‘Panic Disorder’. The reason I have a problem with these labels is because the term ‘disorder’ means abnormality, when in fact there is nothing abnormal about experiencing one of these conditions or struggling with mental health in general. There are actually debates in the medical world around these labels. When you first hear these terms it can be quite scary and confusing and only recently have I really understood what they actually mean. Do not google these terms and believe everything you read, I have made this mistake too many times and it only adds to the anxiety. Speak to someone professional who knows what they are talking about. Always remember however you are feeling is completely justified and okay. There is nothing wrong with you. One in four people will experience a mental health problem of some kind each year in England. The doctor I spoke to had received so many calls before mine for the same thing. You are NOT alone. 

Both GAD and Panic Disorder are cycles which you can learn to break and deal with if you have the tools and help to do so, which is exactly what therapy has helped me with. After seven months I have reached my goal of not worrying about panic attacks anymore and haven’t had a panic attack since. This doesn’t mean I will never have one again, but if I do I will be able to cope with it and it will no longer affect my every day life. I am still working through anxiety but am feeling like my positive self again which I am so grateful for. There was a point when I really thought I would never feel like myself again, I felt like I had lost all drive / motivation forever. I am so happy that I’ve been able to get this back and without reaching out to someone I would still be in the same anxious place. 

I understand that therapy isn’t for everyone but if you are struggling I would say at least give it a chance. If you know someone who is struggling, recommend it to them. I know times are hard financially but there are therapists that do pay what you can or work on a scale depending on your income. Otherwise therapy with NHS is completely free and has helped so many friends of mine! Take the first step and get on the waiting list, you will thank yourself later. 

I’d like to repeat what I said earlier. Therapy / medication does not mean there is something wrong with you. It doesn’t mean you’re weird. It doesn’t mean you need to be fixed. It just means that you need a hand to get back to feeling like your full self again and that’s okay. 

Don’t compare yourself to others. If you’re struggling please reach out. It’s the hardest first step but you can do it, even if it’s to one close friend. Speak to someone and get the help you need and deserve. You will get through to the other side and you will feel like yourself again, in your own time.

We are in the middle of a worldwide pandemic and mental health crisis. Don’t be too hard on yourself.

If I can do it, you can. 

My inbox is always open!

Terrianne

Therapies:

Mind / Headstrong www.headstrongcouncelling.co.uk

Fresh Start Psychotherapy http://www.freshstartpsychotherapy.co.uk/

Waterloo Community Counselling https://waterloocc.co.uk/ 

Matanoia Institute www.metanoia.ac.uk

Relate Counselling (for couples) www.relatelondonnw.org.uk 

Ealing Abbey Counselling Service www.eacs.org.uk 

Mental health charities and helplines:

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/stress-anxiety-depression/mental-health-helplines/